Eulogy for Min
The sky shone patches of purple through the trees tonight Min, branches lacing the pink clouds of sunset into dark violet - and I thought of you.
Again.
As I did when I hit messenger earlier today, where so sparse is my online presence these days your name still sits centre stage, your last message of an everlasting cascade of hearts still on display.
And I thought of you again.
As I did when I logged into facebook last night and caught sight of your little purple being beaming out from amongst my friends' photos.
As I did when I reached out - or they did to me - to those few denizens of your tower whose contact details I still have. Those I was closest to when we lived online as Mysfyt or SonyBites or aka Mrs Slob or the one who luvsDarren, Bronn, Cathy1, Chrissie… and of course the Imaginary Goddess. And we all thought of nothing but you in those brief, ephemeral moments of shared shock and grieving disbelief.
As I kept doing a dozen, a hundred times over the following days whenever my mind cycled back to that moment of realisation that the awful truth was not a rumour.
Confirmation did little to stop the growth of a stubborn disbelief that persists even now. Even when that confirmation came so hard on the heels of that first hint something was wrong, it was far too easy to cling to that scared little voice claiming it couldn't possibly be true. Even though the news spread so fast I heard within that last 24 hours that still held moments of you, where you breathed and lived - so close, that my first reaction was to post a message to you on your page, as if I could still reach you, have one last chat before reality became stone; one full of laughter and 'icons and scraps of writing like we did in the earliest days. How can you not be there at the end of my fingertips, on the other side of my keyboard, behind my screen, like you always were?
It took me more than three days, hours and hours of disbelief cycling into grief and back again before I could be brave enough to summon the accompanist to my thoughts of you. I haven't really listened to him deeply for years, but given how intricately he and his music are interwoven through the friendship we first grew in his fanship it was only right and true and just that he be there when we're forced to let you go. So having grown brave enough, I opened this file, took a deep breath and lost myself once more within that voice.
Lost my own words as well as song after song gave me lines for you, of you, about you. Brought you back into being beside me, listening, as those songs dragged from memory a myriad of sessions discussing new albums, old songs, listening parties, new songs, the way they fit into and inspired the stories we were crafting, the way they made us feel. Letting me feel you there once again, reliving those halcyon days of long rambling msn conversations, with singular or plural participants, covering music and love, creativity and friendship and lots and lots of laughter. It was a very special time.
It means so much to me even now. It will always mean so much to me.
I don't think I ever told you how much you inspired me in those earliest days. From a distance at first, when I initially stumbled over the Sony board and discovered fan-fic for the first time. Though I could never really overcome my ambivalence towards real person fan fic, you were the one who showed me that it could contain engaging characters, great dialogue, intriguing story-lines and a respect for said real life person that never degraded or denigrated. You offered undeniable proof that fanfic writers could be masterful story tellers whose only difference from 'real' authors was they garnered no financial rewards from the effort.
And, at a time when real life me was somewhat lost and broken, your pic-fic challenge inspired me to explore another side of me that I'd never given a chance. And again, I don't think i ever told you that it was your response I held my breath for, your approval that buoyed my confidence and brought those other giants of the board - writers the likes of Karina, meowmix, bikkie, the so prolific Tara and readers such as Bronn and Tina and Cathy into my story. Without your support, your passion, your care - and your beloved tower resplendent in all its purpleness - that fledgling writer would no doubt have consigned writing to the other heap of failures in her life.
What a wondrous period that became instead. There are few joys in life equal to creating another world with words that sing and dance and bring life to characters you care for as much as those who actually exist; there are even fewer joys equal to being able to discuss what you have written with those who have enjoyed reading it. For that chance alone I will offer you thanks throughout eternity. Without you it would not have happened.
And the rarest of all joys is to create together with a writer you admire who cares about your story as much as you do, offering up without trepidation bits for discussion and advice, bouncing ideas off one another, instant feedback shaping the path of each other's story, laughter lighting its way. We hung onto that as long as we could, didn't we Min? Even crossed over briefly into other fandoms once the tower's dying began.
Not sure exactly when the end came for that lovely golden era, don't think it's possible to define an exact time. Once he took his music away the end was inevitable, the cement that held us altogether had crumbled and we drifted off to other places, other interests rearranged our focus, and other loves moved in. I guess. You and I held on the longest, desperate to not let the magic die. Desperate not to lose what we'd created. Well I was the desperate one anyhow - hell, up until the Tower dimmed its lights for the final time last year, I still posted a Christmas add every year, even knowing I was totally alone and shouting in empty halls!
As all the voices gradually grew silent, all the conversations stilled, you were the longest lasting there too. Over the years we always at least touched base, kept the link alive for a few months a year. Maybe all too briefly each time, shorter catch-ups in place of the rambling conversations and the writing was a thing of the past but we still held on to the friendship. More long distant than ever and sometimes that distance spread the gaps between contact wide. Sometimes too, our demons collided a little too closely, creating times when I had no space left to deal with yours when mine were threatening the ramparts, or where your entire life was fighting those particularly vicious demons of ill health. And sometimes it was just that real life was too greedy to allow time for online relationships. But we always came back, and I'm so very grateful now that you would jab me whenever those gaps grew too large.
So very grateful too that those very last catch-ups showed you happy and positive in your life, despite the limitations of your health; enjoying the gym, your family, your craft and thrilled at the imminent arrival of your new Subaru :) Life got busy for a while there and - now we are here.
I don't want to be here.
The memories keep coming, surfacing unannounced. I just remembered opening night of Atlantis, our excitement for you as we gathered a bouquet that came from around the world and being there with you online in all the mad lead up to that. Or the more individual excitement of seeing those most desired words -'new add' next to your name, and without hesitation diving headfirst into your latest offering. Or seeing the goddess's name next to the words 'new post' in my own thread. Somewhere in the last three days I realised, after scouring the net with my somewhat rusty google skills, and combing my files - that I no longer have any copy of your words and cannot find them anywhere. Too many computers have died over the years - and I guess I naively hoped the board would be there forever. That makes the grieving doubly hard, Min - I hope they still survive somewhere.
I do have a few pages of comments physically printed out in the very earliest of days, when the thrill of people discussing my words left me unable to resist the desire for a hard copy, one I could hold and not be dependent on the tenuous care of the 'interwebs'. I'm glad now of that little bit of vanity in that through the comments you left, I can see you again. All the enthusiasm, the cheering on, the warmth you gave to all online is there in those few scattered lines. Your sense of fun and love of people shines bright as do flashes of that ever restless, ever questing intelligence.
I always thought that one day, when I was a fully graduated crotchety old lady, and you were just earning your first old lady badge, we'd get the chance to return to the writing, both together and alone. I was looking forward to once again beginning those long rambling never ending conversations and bursts of creativity.
It’s so unfair Min. I feel cheated both for you and of you.
I'm rambling on because I can't - don't want to - say goodbye and all these things should have been said days and weeks and months and years ago anyhow. Maybe some of them were. Sometimes we all seem to operate in the belief that others just know what they mean to us and maybe sometimes they do. But I'll say it here anyhow for the presence of you that remains - you were loved and my life was enriched with the knowing of you. As it was - and is - for all who were there back then - for Tara and Tina, Bronn and Karina, Cathy and Chrissie (and all the others I've lost contact with) - I will always treasure what you were and what you meant to my life.
You shone so bright online, Min and you touched so many lives. The dark haired, jade eyed Goddess who left all better for having known her.
I see the essence of you shining clear and pure and unencumbered now. Time has set you free, the past is now only memories and all that was wounded and bound down by physical limitations now has no hold upon you. Bright and beautiful, armed with all that was brilliant about you - your passion, your creativity, your boundless capacity to love and not least your amazing talent with words - you wait, upstage, as all the final farewells are made, and the outpouring of love and loss expends itself. So…
Fly now, Min - High and with all the glory you deserve.